I called Big Computer Company to report that the computer wasn't working at all right...it seemed to be going haywire before my eyes. While I was literally on the phone with a tech, smoke started pouring out of my machine. The conversation was just short of comical.

• "Mrs. Rose, Our first step is for you to open a window. Big Computer Company would not like a customer to be injured."
• "You mean for me to crawl through to get outside? Shouldn't I unplug the computer???"
• "Mrs. Rose, your *safety* is our first concern here. Please open a window."
• "Unless you are telling me it is dangerous for me to do so, I'm going to unplug the computer first!"
• "Mrs. Rose, I'm afraid the computer is already damaged. Please open a window!"
• "Look. It's not the computer I'm worried about. I don't want this bursting into flames. That really *could* hurt me."
• "Mrs. Rose, please just...."
• "There, I've unplugged it."
• "You unplugged it? Mrs. Rose, did you say you unplugged it????"
• "Yes, I told you I was going to. You didn't tell me to stop. So I did it."
• "You unplugged it?
• "YES!!!! I unplugged it!!!!"
• "I see...."
• "Do you still want me to open a window?"
• "I'm not sure. Just a moment. Our manual gives us instructions for this sort of thing. And it says to first open a window."
• [long pause]
• "Big Computer Company, are you still there???"
• "Yes, I'm reading the manual. It never says to unplug the computer in Step One. Perhaps you should plug it back in."
• "What????"
• "Mrs. Rose, please plug the computer back in. We need to follow procedure. Plug the computer back in and then open a window."
• "I can't believe this! That isn't sensible."
• "Mrs. Rose, please remember that *you* called *us* for help. You must follow our directions."
• "For goodness's sake! [exasperated tone] I'm not plugging it back in."
• "Open a window. The manual says...."
• "Good grief! Can't we get past that step?"
• "It's company policy, Mrs. Rose. I'm going to take you through this step by step. The first step is that you must open a window."
• "Ok. [pause] The window is open. Now what about the machine?"
• "Are you breathing without difficulty?"
• "My breathing is fine! My computer, however, is not. Can we address that?"
• "Mrs. Rose, I'm trying to help. Now, tell me. Is the computer still smoking?"
• "No."
• "No?"
• "No. Should it still be smoking? It isn't...."
• "Just a moment. I'm checking the Manual Index under "smoking". Hmmm [pages rustling]. Apparently "smoking" is in the "Other" category. For that category, the manual says to unplug the computer only if it is smoking."
• "Yes, it's unplugged. I unplugged it, remember?"
• "But I thought you just said the computer isn't smoking."
• "Well, it's not smoking now..probably because I unplugged it!"
• "I see. So the window is open and the computer is unplugged because it was smoking at the time you unplugged it."
• "Yes. [impatiently] Now what?"
• "We're taking this one step at a time, Mrs. Rose. Don't panic. Just try to stay calm. I'm going to help you through this."
• "I *am* calm. I just want to know what to do next. What does that manual say to do for step 3?"
• "I'm to determine if the situation is under control."
• "Under control? Well, the computer is doing nothing. I'd say we have that under control."
• "And how are you, Mrs. Rose? Tell me how you are."
• "I'm cold. The window's open. And I don't want to spend all night on this. Can we please move on??"
• "Yes. Well, I'm now to call a supervisor. Just a moment please."
• [pause]
• "Mrs. Rose, I understand that your computer was smoking. Let me verify that you have a window open."
• "Look, the window is open. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THE WINDOW!!! I'm waiting for step 4. What is step 4? I've been on the phone for quite a while now and I want to do step 4!!!"
• "Step 4????"
• "Yes, that manual we have to follow. What's the fourth step?"
• "I'm the supervisor and I need to verify the situation. I'm going to..."
• "[interrupting him].Listen. The window is open. The computer was smoking so it is unplugged. The technician I was originally talking to assessed the situation. That took us up to step 4. Then he called you. Now you have just verified the situation. That puts us at step 5. By the way, how many steps are there?"
• "Let me see. We don't have this happen very often so I have to look. [pause] There look to be a dozen or so steps.I want to assure you that Big Computer Company will take care of this situation. Your machine is under warranty."
• "Good. So what do we do now?"
• "I'm going to ask you some questions, just so I can verify the situation. We have to fill out a report. Just a moment. I have to find the form. [pause] Alright....now Mrs. Rose?"
• "Yes?"
• "What were you doing when this problem first occurred?"
• "I called because the computer wasn't responding correctly to anything I did. If I clicked on one icon, a completely different program opened. The mouse was sporadically jumping across the screen. The colors on the monitor were pinks and oranges and reds."
• "Just a moment. I'm writing this down verbatim."
• [pause]
• "Mrs. Rose, that qualifies as a non-typical problem. We need to see if we can recreate it. Turn the computer on."
• "What??? It's unplugged. While the tech and I were talking, the computer started to smoke, remember?So it's now unplugged."
• "Yes, I understand that. But we need to see if we can recreate the problem."
• "You want it to smoke again??? That hardly seems appropriate. I'm starting to lose patience here."
• "The problem we are trying to recreate is the one you described as your reason for first calling. The way the wrong program would open, the mouse jumping about, the monitor colors.... The computer was not smoking when you first called, correct?"
• "Yes. That's correct. It started to smoke after I called."
• "We need to try to recreate the problem you called about. So we're not talking about the smoking, which is a second issue. You said you wanted to move forward..."
• "Is there someone else I could speak to? I don't think I'm getting very far here. I've tried to cooperate, but I'M GETTING UPSET!!!!! Put someone else on the phone!!! I just want to know where to send this blasted computer!"
• "One moment please..."
• "Mrs. Rose?"
• "Yes. Look...I've been on this phone for quite a long time. My machine wasn't working correctly. I called Tech Support. While on the phone with a technician, my computer started to smoke. It's under warranty. I just want to know where to send it."
• "I understand, Mrs. Rose. And we certainly apologize here at Big Computer Company for any inconvenience! You say your machine was smoking?"
• "Yes."
• "Mrs. Rose, Big Computer Company's first concern is for the safety of its customers. Will you please open a window?"

The computer I'm on right now will start to smoke for sure if I repeat what I said next. Suffice it to say that my computer at work was packed up that night and picked up by UPS the next morning! The following day, I received a new machine. Let me leave you with these words of wisdom: If your computer ever starts to smoke, open the window! Then unplug the computer. Then replug it and try to continue doing whatever you were doing before it started to smoke! That's just good corporate logic!!!

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